A short Christmas story
If you asked a room full of couples how many believe they found love at first sight, not many will raise their hands. And I believe the few who will raise their hands are most likely women, because women find it romantic. And what do men believe in?
SAFIS - Sex at first sight, - my good friend Muhammad used to say.
I met my good friend Muhammad ten years ago. I went into his falafel joint one day and ordered a falafel, incidentally we fell into a long conversation about life and other existential matters and we became friends ever since.
- Trevor, he would say my name with an Arabic accent, love at first sight happens only to teenagers and twenty year olds, you must try to find loveship. He knew I was single and he tried to encourage me to think carefully before I settled down with any woman. Sex is not the first thing most teenagers think about when they find someone they like. Many even find sex disgusting. What they feel the need for is to love and to be loved. They feel attracted to kindness, beauty, if a person is someone they would want to hang out with and become friends with, boyfriend or girlfriend. It is only after years go by and they get their heart broken a few times that they learn not to care anymore. And society tells us that we need to find someone to settle down with as we grow older. So we open dating profiles on the Internet with sexy photographs of ourselves to appear younger and attractive, women put on sexy dresses and go out to bars and nightclubs to meet men, men who pump their chest up and play smart to look attractive. We focus everything on the outside, calling for sex and believing we would find love in the process. We drink alcohol to forget our inhibitions so we become lightheaded and act young again. And you know what many of us find? Not LAFIS, Love At FIrst Sight, but LUI, Love Under Influence. Every couple that found each other in a bar or in a nightclub found LUI. It should be against the law to drink and fall in love. Can you imagine how many of us were conceived under the influence?
- Before my father died he gave me some money and said, Muhammad, you must go to America, you will have a good life there. He knew that my dream was to come to America and open a falafel bar. I was dreaming of the American green card and green dollars. Green was my favorite color, and I was dressed in green most of the time. But what I was also dreaming about was to find a beautiful American woman. I was crazy about American women. So I came to New York. And I went out every night. I talked to many people everywhere. And after my English became a little better I started to talk to women. Long story short, the first woman I met was in a falafel bar. (When Muhammad said "Long story short" he meant "long story long"). She was sitting alone and I was afraid to go talk to her. I was afraid of rejection. But I kept saying to myself, "Muhammad, don't be afraid. Go to her. If you catch, finish. You will never be alone again, your green American Dream will come true". I went to her and we ended up talking for several hours until the place was closing. I invited her to my one room apartment I was renting on the seventh floor. She was a beautiful American woman. She spoke so beautifully I wanted to learn to speak like her. I made tea and we continued talking. It was on purpose that I didn't have alcohol in my home, not only because I am a Muslim but because I was looking for loveship, not LUI. After a moment she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I waited and drank more tea. One minute later she came back from the bathroom and she was naked. Completely. I looked at her and I was confused. Muslim women in Tunisia covered their body in front of their man, even before having sex.
- I think you forgot your clothes in the bathroom," I said to her. She looked at me with a little smile and came closer. She took my tea from my hand and she put it on the table, and all of sudden she placed both of her hands onto the floor and she flipped her body upside down in front of me, she spread her legs and landed her feet on the wall behind my chair, my head was now between her legs. She stayed that way for a short second and I wondered what was going to happen. I remembered when I was on a rollercoaster in Tunisia and the rollercoaster reached the highest top and it waited a few seconds before it dropped down with full speed.
- She did what you call "inversion position" in yoga, I said to Muhammad.
- It was complete yoga, Muhammad replied, then he continued, I waited with my head between her legs for one second and all of a sudden she slapped her vagina with her pubic hair onto my face and said - Essen! Her head hanging down to the floor. I had worked as a waiter for a few months back in Tunisia and I knew what the word "Essen" means, because I served German tourists sometimes and I learned a few German words.
What are you doing? I asked her, looking like my mouth was talking to her vagina, and her pubic hair looking like a microphone. She pushed her vagina harder onto my mouth again and said, Iss mich, Eat me! She explained to me later that she came to America as an exchange student and she fell in love with an American man and got married. That is how I found out she was not the American woman I was dreaming to find but she was German. And she was still married while she was hanging there upside down in front of me. She was having an affair, in an inversion yoga position with her vagina glued to my face. We didn't see each other again after that night. I continued going out and I met many different women, and every time I believed that I found my dream American woman, because they all spoke beautiful American English, but I would also find out every time that they each came from another country. One came from France as a child, another from Italy, and many from England. Once I met a Muslim woman. She was dressed in Niqab and was covered from head to toe, you could only see her eyes. After four days she told me the FBI had her under surveillance because of the way she dressed, they believed she was from ISIS. Trevor, I got afraid, and I thought to myself and said, "if the FBI are not always able to see who is the person underneath that Niqab, they will also put me under surveillance, because they need someone whose face they can see and who is always with her". Trevor, they could see my face, and even my toes if I was wearing sandals during the summer. I was an open book for them. So stopped seeing the Muslim woman. Many days and nights went by, and I became convinced that I would never find the real American woman I was dreaming to find, because everybody in New York seemed to have come from somewhere else. Until I met Maria. It was almost Love At First Sight, a LAFIS. "Almost", because I liked Maria so much the moment I saw her that I decided to spend more time with her and get to know her better first before we could have sex. I wanted it to be loveship, not just love. But New York was full of surprises. The first night Maria and I had sex was rocky. Not Rambo Sylvester Stallone Rocky, but rocky with a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. I can not go into details, Trevor, but it was a terrible night. (When Muhammad said "I can not go into details" he meant he would give you all the details, because he couldn't help it, he was too excited not to tell you the full story). We were in the middle of having sex, Maria and I, he continued, and then all of a sudden Maria started to shout, shit, shit, oh shit! I stopped and looked at her, - What is going on, why you say shit? I asked her. I felt concerned that something was wrong.
Don't stop, please continue! she said.
You said shit, why? You don't like it? I was confused.
Of course I like it, she said.
But why shit? Shit means no good! I said.
It's just something we say, she explained, when it feels nice.
Shit is in the toilet, how can anyone think it feels nice? I don't understand your American logic, I said to her.
Okay, I won't say shit again, let's continue, she said. And we started to make love again, everything was fine. But she shouted Jesus, Oh Jesus!
Why you say Jesus? I asked her. I was irritated this time.
What now, she asked, also irritated.
Are you talking about Jesus the prophet, or are you thinking about Jesus your Mexican ex-boyfriend? I was a little jealous, Trevor. Maria was originally from Mexico, she wasn't the real American woman I was dreaming about but things were different with her, and she told me about this ex-boyfriend that she had in Mexico who was called Jesus, and Trevor, how would I know what Jesus she was thinking about when she was having sex with me? Can you see my point?
I can see your point, Muhammad, I said to him.
Thank you my friend, he said. So I asked Maria, he continued, what Jesus are you thinking about?
Jesus, the prophet! She said with anger. I'm a Christian woman, we say Jesus a lot here in America, almost all the time!
Sex is not good with religion, you know that, I said to her.
Yes, I know, and we are not married, but so what? She said.
Don't say Jesus, okay? I said to her. Jesus is also a Muslim prophet, and I'm a Muslim! I can't be having sex with you and you are calling the name of a prophet.
But I can't control what I say when we are having sex, can I? And you want me to say what, Muhammad?
Muhammad is fine, it is my name, you can say that, I told her.
Jesus, Muhammad, HalloOh! she shouted; they are both prophets! She balanced both of her hands as if showing one hand was Jesus and the other hand was Muhammad. Both are prophets! She shouted again, and then she put on her clothes and she walked out the door. She left me alone. I stayed in the bed after she left and I couldn't understand what just happened. I felt sad, Trevor, because I really liked Maria. Afterwards I told myself, "Muhammad, you are no longer in Tunisia, you are in New York. Here people say shit, fuck, ass, like breathing air. Think about the color green. Green card, green dollars". When I woke up the next morning I bought flowers. I bought the most beautiful red rose I could find. I went to Maria's work and I gave it to her. And you will not believe it, Trevor. Like you see in a real Hollywood movie, Maria's colleagues started to clap. All of them. I kissed Maria in front of them. Her boss came down and said,
it is soon Christmas, Maria, take the rest of the day off. And Maria and I held hands and walked to the door.
Merry Christmas, some of her colleagues said to us as we walked by. It was the first time that someone had said Merry Christmas to me, a Muslim man, and my first Christmas with Maria was a wonderful experience. Christmas in New York is magical. I knew I found loveship. Maria and I have three beautiful children now. Tunisian-Mexican-American, mixed origins, like every true New Yorker. (He paused for a moment. And I felt, even though I was standing right there next to him, he spoke as if he was writing me a letter, or a postcard, like we used to do before we had emails and text messages. He put his hand on my shoulder afterwards and continued) You see, Trevor, love can not sail on its own without a ship. Like a teenager, you must always look for love and friendship, not just love. Love without friendship is weak. And when you find love and friendship you must hold on to them both, because if friendship dies it means you have abandoned ship, and even when there is still love you will grow apart. Loveship is always stronger than love alone.
Merry Christmas, Trevor.
- The End -
©2019, Derek Banner, BUMP, All rights reserved.